Behold—the worst films of 2009
You don’t come across films like Precious and Up In The Air every day—let’s not forget Away We Go—so relish them while you can. In meantime, 2009, while it was a strong year overall at the box office, spawned more than a cluster of clunkers. Take note of the following films—most of them remakes— and then immediately erase them from your memory.
10. Hannah Montana
Neither the wig nor a media scandal could save crooner Miley Cyrus from hitting a major sour note here in film that felt like a dressed-up reality show of her life. Did anybody else get cavities?
9. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Loud and long. Silly and dull. Note to Shia LaBeouf: Quit acting with your face.
8. Terminator: Salvation
Oh, it’s hard to toss rotten tomatoes at a creative and visual wiz like director McG—he can, actually, create wonders—so let’s toss them at writers John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris for stripping the already tired Terminator franchise of some of its soul—and for giving us a John Connor (Christian Bale) we could barely care about. DVD-philes: Dive into the Fox TV’s short-lived yet surprisingly imaginative The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
7. All About Steve
Thank you Sandra Bullock for perpetuating the myth that it’s totally fine to be completely obsessed about the “man of your dreams.” For a more intelligent look at love and relationships, rent the well-crafted film 500 Days of Summer. And Sandra, bless you for redeeming yourself (somewhat) with The Blind Side.
6. G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra
Forward march—right into the abyss.
A (more) buff Hugh Jackman took audiences back to the beginnings of the revered Wolverine character form the X-Men films. Bottom line: barely scratched the surface on the interest meter.
4. Race to Witch Mountain
Dwayne Johnson—always good to look at for work-out tips—morphs into a cabbie trying to protect two paranormal siblings. (And my inner child—the one who adored the smoother ride of the original in the ’70s—didn’t like it one bit.)
3. Friday the 13th
Don’t breathe a sigh of relief—yet. Even though this year’s ill-fated reboot of the long-suffering franchise marked the twelfth film in the series—and we thought Freddy vs. Jason was the final blow—you can’t help but wonder if there’s a nutty filmmaker out there craving to give 13th its thirteenth slash-around.
2. Land of the Lost
Earth to Will Ferrell: “Come back, come back wherever you are. This thing called your career … it’s in desperate need of your attention.”
Remember its name: Lame. Alan Parker’s 1980 classic got a shameful makeover here. (Hollywood: don’t try this again with Flashdance.)