I'VE THOROUGHLY read Obama's proposed health care plan. And by "read" I mean I've heard what other commentators on the AM radio have had to say about the various versions floating through Congress. And in these versions, there's a lot of devils in the details. Bad devils who look like John Carradine, with curly mustaches and opera capes. All of them from a place called "Hell."

Chief among these details is the so-called public option. Not only does this "public option" need to be taken off the table, the table itself should be chopped up into little pieces and burned.

In fact, it's not a table, it's a board: a "death board" to decide whether or not you're healthy enough to live. Federally funded doctors, some of them from Muslin countries, will decide to send old people off on an iceberg. Now at last we can see why democrats and other liberals are so concerned about so-called "global warming." They need those icebergs for their euthanasia schemes! Former governess Sarah Palin knows of these icebergs--she could see them from her window. And as an Alaskanian, she knows the special horror of watching the old, the unfit, or even just slow learners made to "ride the snow-cone," "go visit Frosty" or even "take the Polar Express."

Having patriotically refused to ever visit a foreign country, I know perfectly well--perhaps better than anyone alive--what goes on in foreign public clinics. Don't get me started about Michael Moore and his visit to Cuba in Sicko, because once I start, I can't stop for hours. He's really very fat, you know. Cuba, an example? A slave nation that treats brain tumors with banana leaf poultices and Santeria rituals? That gives women in childbirth mojitos as anesthesia? This last atrocity happened in Havana, where one Dr. Gomez, not his real name, reportedly offered such a cocktail to a dilated mother-to-be, saying, "The mint, he has vitamin C and the rum, she will dull the pain."

Bloviator.com has an important essay on the situation in countries that have made the mistake of installing government health care. Take Australia--a country of shut-ins. From Perth to Brisbane--nothing but coughing, unwell physical ruins. After a few decades of public health, these trembling Antipodeans are now so weak they are routinely thrashed by the kangaroos they once easily defeated in boxing matches.

Take Canada, please! The reason why British Columbia advertises vacations all the time is because everyone in the nation is too ill to take them themselves. Rosy-cheeked from consumption or something, these sufferers overindulge in skiing, tobogganing and mountain climbing in hopes of retrieving enough strength to make it to the hospice. Mounties and lumberjacks lean on one another like cripples, trying to stagger to the U.S. border in hope of treatment. I haven't seen it myself, but I imagine it's a tragic sight.

Sadly, this reign of error continues: Norway, packed with diseased wretches. Sweden, "the sick man of Scandinavia." Finland, a land of stunted men and women barely taller than concrete garden trolls. I could go on, but everyone else in the world has it wrong and we've got it right. Further examples would just muddy the issue, and reading just makes you effeminate anyway. I'll continue to get the news I need from the airwaves: from people as physically fit as Rush, as mentally healthy as Glenn, and as calmly objective as Bill O'Reilly.

R.W. Goatlips, Esq. is a senior fellow at the Institute for Counterintuitive Studies in Washington, D.C.

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