When choosing a late-night eatery in Santa Cruz, one is first and foremost limited to what's open. After the few possibilities are identified, the next step is to gage the average overall drunkenness of your party on a scale of one to ten. After this, assess who in your party is a vegetarian, and whether or not they are too drunk to tell whether the veggie burger is, in fact, a veggie burger. Then proceed as appropriate.

Santa Cruz Cafe

This classic dining choice features the sculpture of an oversize hamburger, roughly the size of the front of a VW bug, protruding from the diner wall. Depending on whether anyone in your party is under the influence of a hallucinogen, this diner may be your best, or worst choice. The menu is as large and diverse as they come, as far as diners go. And they have banana cream pie.

The Crepe Place

Crepe is French for "very thin pretty pancake." The crepe is delicate. It has class. It sounds sophisticated to tell people, "I'm going to the Crepe Place tonight." But these are no sissy-pancakes. One could march into the Crepe Place and demand, "I want MEAT with my CREPE," and they'd give in to you. This restaurant features an outside bar, and wooden patio with surrounding garden that occasionally hosts reggae and jazz bands.

Santa Cruz Cafe

The Saturn Café

This is really the best location for a restroom romance, the restaurant housing two gender-bendingly ambiguous doors to choose from, and behind door number one? ... (what an adventure). The jukebox playlist is one of the best in town, albeit at times, you may need to shout into the ear of your dining partner to be heard when making vital decisions such as "thin or steak-cut fries." All deserts here are killer.

Jack in the Box

The drive-through can function as a godsend in some situations. And if you need somethin' to grease the pipes on the way home, the box on Ocean St. might be the perfect place to roll. Yes, we would definitely like fries with that. And a heart attack on the side.

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